NO FENCE

What do we dream about if not the perfect home with the white picket fence?  We dream about not having any fence.  Better yet, we do not just dream about unrestricting ourselves, but we practice living in freedom.  Our nation is built on the principle of freedom.  In our pursuit of freedom in all the things we do in our lives, we miss the biggest one of all—we throw away our freedom to truly live and love by defining our commitment to a partner as marriage. 

I wanted to get married.  It was the next step my family and society taught me.  After I fell in love, I was supposed to get married and then have children and live a happy life in my white picket fenced home.  The problem is that I changed from who I was at 19, to who I was at 25 and at 35.  The man I married changed.  The answer was always the same: marriage takes work, you must compromise, be sensible and make things work-out.  Why do two people have to make their relationship work out when they have both grown into different people over the course of a decade and are no longer in love?  They have to make it work for or the sake of the kids?  Right.  I know truly happy kids have truly happy parents.  In fact, psychologists will confirm a child needs one stable, fully-functional parent to be a healthy, happy child.  The younger kids are, the easier the process of divorce is on them.  They are too young to incorrectly blame themselves and they are very adaptable.

So, no fence means having the freedom to form a partnership with someone you love; and being with him/her because you want to be, rather than because you have to be, with him/her.  Not having a fence means having a family and raising children with freedom.  My romantic or love partnership ended with my husband, but we are still partners as parents.  Until the day I die, I will have a parenting partnership with this man.  Not a business partnership, as some divorce books advise.  The problem with a business partnership is that you are asked to take emotion out of the partnership, but taking emotion out of raising your children does not make sense.  Taking the “I,” “me” and “my” out of the partnership of raising children makes a lot of sense.  The white picket fence tends to support the “I” in disguise as “we” and “us.”  When you take away all the expectations and fences, you are left with love and focus on what is there: the children, your love for them and what is best for them.