GREAT EXPECTATIONS

When I got married, I had expectations of myself and of my husband.  I wanted to be a great wife.   I was legitimized in my relationship with this man from “friend” to “girlfriend” to “fiancé” to “wife.”  Why did I need to be his “wife?”  Nothing had changed in our daily lives, yet everything had changed.  My wedding night was surely not the first time I had sex with him.  We started living together after we got engaged.   Looking back, I realize the biggest change that came with the quick exchange of words, the signing of papers and a lot of eating, drinking, dancing and singing:  I was in the relationship because I wanted to be with this man, but suddenly I was also obligated to be in the relationship.  Yup, I was trapped and stuck in the relationship.

I did not expect myself to just be a wife.  Oh no, I had to be a great wife.  I worked hard to earn an equal income.  I encouraged and supported all of my husband’s interests.  On weekends I attended most of his soccer games, and sometimes his basketball games.  I regularly inquired about his work—both his successes and his challenges.  I shopped, I cooked, I baked, I did the laundry, and I maintained a spotless house and a pretty garden.  I worked-out and took care of myself.  I became social coordinator for “us,” ensuring time and communication with my friends, his friends, our friends and both our families.  The problem was I did not do these things for myself or my husband, rather, I did them to be the perfect wife. 

I also had great expectations of my husband.  I expected attention, devotion, love, lust and romance every moment of our lives.  After all, he had also been promoted from “friend” to “boyfriend” to “fiancé” to “husband.”  I wanted this man to understand all my needs without requiring explanation, as any great husband should.  I expected him to respond to my advances regardless of the fact there were two minutes left in the playoff game he was watching.  I expected him to have my back regardless of what was said or done.  And, I expected him to be so completely and utterly in love with me that nothing else in the world would be more important to him than us.

Of course, my parents had expectations of their married daughter and her husband.  My husband’s family had their own set of expectations for their son and daughter-in-law.  Certainly friends had their varied expectations, depending largely on their own marital status, of me as a married woman.  Neighbors, co-workers, actually just about anyone and everyone had an expectation of me as a married woman.  

Busy trying to meet the great expectation to be the ideal family living in the white picket fenced home, I lost myself and my happiness.  It was pretty inside the white picket fence, but it was fluff.  How was I to live up to these expectations?  Why was the definition of perfect in our society so imperfect?