UNTIL DEATH DO US PART?

Why are we expected to get married?  What is marriage?  Do we really need to get married to be “fruitful” and “multiply?”  Clearly, humans are capable of procreating without marriage.  Will people be more faithful to their spouse because they are married?  Will people be more responsible for their children if they are married?  Perhaps people would be more faithful and responsible in partnerships they choose to be in, rather than a relationship they have to be in.

When we live in our perfect white picket fenced lives as wife and husband, do we change our expectations of each other?  Is there a difference between how you treated your partner when she was your chick and when she became your wife?  How did your expectations of your guy change after he became your husband? 

I was married for a decade, but I cannot come up with a good answer to the question, “why should people get married?”   Marriage seems to provide a false sense of security that your husband or wife will, until death, be yours.   Is marriage a way to possess the person you love?   

FACEBOOK

Please visit my Facebook page: Free Of The White Picket Fence.  The Facebook page has additional insights and links.  Thanks!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Free-Of-The-White-Picket-Fence/248556458608028?ref=stream

VAGINAS

I just read a nytimes.com blog titled, "Twins Don't Need C-Sections."  I knew after reading the title, this was nothing more than a white picket fence message.  I truly believe a woman should have the right to accurate, unbiased information about childbirth and the freedom to choose how she gives birth.   As women strive to be the perfect mother in the white picket fence, they are pressured to give birth vaginally.  This is one ideal I was fortunate to easily escape.  Logic prevailed, and I made a firm and confident decision to give birth to my twin babies by Caesarean section.  I did not need an award for heroics, just healthy babies and a healthy vagina.  I ended-up requiring an emergency C-section, so I was ready for the game plan when the time came to deliver my babies.   I had the best Obstetrician in the world, and he executed the delivery with perfection.

I know vaginal birth is what some women want, and I respect their choice.   I do, however, get upset when I see a woman who wanted vaginal childbirth feel incomplete when she had to have a C-section; or a woman feel embarrassed because she wanted a natural childbirth, but needed an epidural or some other medical intervention.  Why is it so important to give birth in a particular way, regardless of circumstance?  Why is there so much expectation and pressure from everyone about something so personal and individual as childbirth?  

PARENTING

The white picket fenced home is also about being the perfect parent.  Before my babies were born, I went a little crazy.  I had largely purged my house of things that were, by law, treated with fire retardant.  I purchased organic cotton mattresses with wool, a natural fire retardant.  I bought natural, compostable diapers (after trying the old fashioned wash and reuse diapers).  Onesies were unbleached or colored with natural dyes.  Toys were wooden or cloth rather than plastic.  I took my passion for a healthy environment to a whole new level now that my babies were going to be a part of life on Earth. 

I provided my children with the best of everything.  This obsession was not just with things.  I also gave my children every ounce of energy.  In fact, I gave them every morsel of my being.  Clearly, newborn babies; relying on their mother for survival; need an enormous amount of attention, but I was giving absolutely everything trying to be the perfect mother in her white picket fence.

What do kids truly need beyond food, shelter and safety?  All the toys in the world will not replace a parent’s time and attention.  These are the four most important things for me to give my children.  I have found when I practice these four ideas, everything else easily falls into place:

1. Love freely and wholeheartedly.  I kiss my children on their lips, and I have informed them I will continue to do so all my life.  Every single day I tell my children I love them and I melt when they answer, “I know.  I love you too.”  They are allowed to love, and be loved by, both their parents.

2. Be present.  When I am with my children, I try to be in the moment.  If while reading a book, I begin to think about what I might make for dinner, I catch my wandering thoughts and bring myself back to the book.  Being present with your child helps you stay connected to one another, and more importantly, it shows them love.

3. Be respectful.  I do not bark at or try to command my children.  I do not expect my kids to obey me.  Nope.  I set limits for them and empower them with information.  I do require them to listen to their options and the consequences.  Then as informed individuals, they can decide on their action.  We live in a democracy, so we practice democracy at home—though I do have veto powers that a two-thirds majority cannot override.  I treat them as people with intelligence, emotion, the ability to make decisions and the right to honesty.

4. Love and respect yourself.  I cannot teach my children to love and respect themselves if I do not love and respect myself.  This means taking time for myself and doing things that complete me as a woman.  Being a mother is a huge part of who I am, but it is not all that I am. 

When I was constrained within the white picket fence, the children’s rooms were immaculate and all clothes were neatly in place.  In fact, everything in the house was perfect… and I had no energy, no ability to stop and enjoy the moment.  When I broke free of the white picket fence, I focused my energy on the children themselves rather than on doing things for them.  The house is a mess, but I spent an amazing hour with the kids just digging in the dirt for earthworms.  As I write this, there are two loads of laundry on my bed.  The laundry will get folded tonight, but I have already accepted the clothes will not be put away until tomorrow, or maybe the next day.  I need my rest, so tomorrow I can wake-up with a fresh smile at the sight of my children and the energy to keep up with the possibilities of the new day.

NO FENCE

What do we dream about if not the perfect home with the white picket fence?  We dream about not having any fence.  Better yet, we do not just dream about unrestricting ourselves, but we practice living in freedom.  Our nation is built on the principle of freedom.  In our pursuit of freedom in all the things we do in our lives, we miss the biggest one of all—we throw away our freedom to truly live and love by defining our commitment to a partner as marriage. 

I wanted to get married.  It was the next step my family and society taught me.  After I fell in love, I was supposed to get married and then have children and live a happy life in my white picket fenced home.  The problem is that I changed from who I was at 19, to who I was at 25 and at 35.  The man I married changed.  The answer was always the same: marriage takes work, you must compromise, be sensible and make things work-out.  Why do two people have to make their relationship work out when they have both grown into different people over the course of a decade and are no longer in love?  They have to make it work for or the sake of the kids?  Right.  I know truly happy kids have truly happy parents.  In fact, psychologists will confirm a child needs one stable, fully-functional parent to be a healthy, happy child.  The younger kids are, the easier the process of divorce is on them.  They are too young to incorrectly blame themselves and they are very adaptable.

So, no fence means having the freedom to form a partnership with someone you love; and being with him/her because you want to be, rather than because you have to be, with him/her.  Not having a fence means having a family and raising children with freedom.  My romantic or love partnership ended with my husband, but we are still partners as parents.  Until the day I die, I will have a parenting partnership with this man.  Not a business partnership, as some divorce books advise.  The problem with a business partnership is that you are asked to take emotion out of the partnership, but taking emotion out of raising your children does not make sense.  Taking the “I,” “me” and “my” out of the partnership of raising children makes a lot of sense.  The white picket fence tends to support the “I” in disguise as “we” and “us.”  When you take away all the expectations and fences, you are left with love and focus on what is there: the children, your love for them and what is best for them.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

When I got married, I had expectations of myself and of my husband.  I wanted to be a great wife.   I was legitimized in my relationship with this man from “friend” to “girlfriend” to “fiancé” to “wife.”  Why did I need to be his “wife?”  Nothing had changed in our daily lives, yet everything had changed.  My wedding night was surely not the first time I had sex with him.  We started living together after we got engaged.   Looking back, I realize the biggest change that came with the quick exchange of words, the signing of papers and a lot of eating, drinking, dancing and singing:  I was in the relationship because I wanted to be with this man, but suddenly I was also obligated to be in the relationship.  Yup, I was trapped and stuck in the relationship.

I did not expect myself to just be a wife.  Oh no, I had to be a great wife.  I worked hard to earn an equal income.  I encouraged and supported all of my husband’s interests.  On weekends I attended most of his soccer games, and sometimes his basketball games.  I regularly inquired about his work—both his successes and his challenges.  I shopped, I cooked, I baked, I did the laundry, and I maintained a spotless house and a pretty garden.  I worked-out and took care of myself.  I became social coordinator for “us,” ensuring time and communication with my friends, his friends, our friends and both our families.  The problem was I did not do these things for myself or my husband, rather, I did them to be the perfect wife. 

I also had great expectations of my husband.  I expected attention, devotion, love, lust and romance every moment of our lives.  After all, he had also been promoted from “friend” to “boyfriend” to “fiancé” to “husband.”  I wanted this man to understand all my needs without requiring explanation, as any great husband should.  I expected him to respond to my advances regardless of the fact there were two minutes left in the playoff game he was watching.  I expected him to have my back regardless of what was said or done.  And, I expected him to be so completely and utterly in love with me that nothing else in the world would be more important to him than us.

Of course, my parents had expectations of their married daughter and her husband.  My husband’s family had their own set of expectations for their son and daughter-in-law.  Certainly friends had their varied expectations, depending largely on their own marital status, of me as a married woman.  Neighbors, co-workers, actually just about anyone and everyone had an expectation of me as a married woman.  

Busy trying to meet the great expectation to be the ideal family living in the white picket fenced home, I lost myself and my happiness.  It was pretty inside the white picket fence, but it was fluff.  How was I to live up to these expectations?  Why was the definition of perfect in our society so imperfect?