FEAR

A very wise friend of mine recently advised me, “Let your fear shake you.”   It is not so easy to actually practice.  I had been trying to understand how to let my fear shake me since my conversation with her.  It was not working very well for me.  I decided I needed a less abstract and more practical application.  I am an open water swimmer.  Today was my first swim in the ocean after a big swell.  Although the swell had mostly faded, there were still some good sets coming in.  The surf was stirring-up the sand, which caused the visibility in the water to be poor.  In addition, two people had separately brought-up local shark stories this weekend.  To top it off, as I sat down to breakfast this morning, right in front of me was the kids’ new book with a picture of a Great White with its sharp, triangular teeth exposed and ready to devour.  I dismissed the shark theme until as I was about to get in the water this morning, a friend spotted a seal frolicking in the water.  He commented he liked swimming with seals because they are so playful, but all I could think about was that seals were favored items on the shark menu. 

Of course, I got in the water and went on my swim.  I spent the first few minutes focusing on getting out and acclimating to the cold water.  Next, I got set on my course and thought about my stroke.  I settled into the rhythm of the ocean.  I practiced my sighting as I passed the surfers.  Then, when I was out there alone and I could not see beyond my hand, it hit: fear.  Fear of what I cannot see.  Fear of sharks.  Typically when I get scared in the water in Hawaii, I remind myself the proven-awesome Lifeguards are my friends, they know I am out there and are keeping an extra watchful eye on me.  In California, however, I no longer typically swim where or when there are Lifeguards.   However, I regularly paddle where I swim and I know there is nothing dangerous in the area, so I remind myself to trust in this knowledge.  It is rationalizing the fear away.  It works most of the time.  Today, though, I was emotionally raw and I wanted something tangible to apply the, “Let the fear shake you” theory.  So I did not rationalize the fear away.  Instead, I let myself get scared. I let myself flash through the requisite thought of being an irresponsible mother by not being more cautious with my life.  I felt my heart race and my lungs tighten, as I gasped for more air with each breath.  I felt my stomach knot-up as I suddenly found myself wrapped in the kelp.  I calmly unraveled from the kelp, but I felt a little nauseous.   I kept going and even though I was still swimming “blind,” the fear magically disappeared.  Suddenly, I felt relaxed and strong.  With my breathing back to normal, I smoothly picked-up my pace with power and courage. 

Immediately after my swim, I had to face what previously had me feeling emotionally raw.  What unfolded was scary, and it was something I had never experienced before.  After learning how to overcome my fear on my swim, I allowed myself to truly feel afraid, disappointed, frustrated, angry and sad.  I embraced the intense rush of feelings as they exposed themselves one by one.  I accepted the reality of what happened, and I let the fear and the pain shake me.  I spent the rest of the day being completely present in my activities.  What I did not realize until later, was that I was able to be present because I had genuinely accepted my horrible experience and it was no longer horrible.  There was no pain to dwell on, and there was no fear to feed.  I only understood this at the end of the day, when I stopped to actually think about how I had such a lovely day despite what had occurred earlier.  Only by accepting my hurt, was I able to overcome the pain, and appreciate the understanding of a new experience and my confidence that I am more than my fear.

What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid of loneliness?  Are you afraid you will never find your ideal partner? Are you afraid of trying something new?  Are you afraid of change?  Are you afraid of failure?  Are you afraid of leaving?  Are you afraid of staying?  Are you afraid of the unknown world outside your fence?  Whatever your fear is, feel it, let it shake you, and see that you are more than your fear!