LOVE

At first, I would patiently explain to my kids the change I received at the store was actually my money, and there was no need to be so excited about getting my money back.  It was just my money being returned to me.  Eventually, we got into math lessons and it became evident the children had comprehended the mathematics.  They could tell me what my change should be.  They understood the change was my money and was due back to me.  Yet, the kids were totally thrilled to get change.  Both my boys wanted to go buy things with cash just to get change.  I was perplexed.

One day while playing Bugopoly (a twist on Monopoly with properties like “Cockroach Crevice” and “Stinkbug Street”), I watched the kids consistently and purposely pay with large notes in order to get change.  Perhaps it was the almost-empty glass of the Snap Dragon cabernet sauvignon, allowing me to take a step back; or my fatigue at the end of a busy day, demanding a deep breath and extra patience.  Regardless, I saw what was unfolding in front of me with an entirely different lens.  Actually, for the first time, I saw it without judgment.  Getting change was all about receiving a gift, whether it was already theirs or not.

In the true sense of one love, it was not about what is mine or what you owe me.  It was simply about the pure joy of giving and receiving.  I confirmed my realization with the kids and they replied, “Yeah, it’s just fun.”  When I subtracted my expectations from the equation and looked at what they were doing, it was so simple and completely clear.

Whether it is something material or emotional, as adults, we judge and place value, which makes us want to possess.  We create expectations.  What if we simply give and receive for the joy of the exchange, rather than for what we think is due to us or we want to have?  I do this with my children—I love them without expecting them to love me—and it is liberating.  Being able to love free of expectations breaks down all the fences, and truly becomes one love.  Can I give a man my love without expecting his love in return?  Do you love without needing him or her to be yours?  Can you give without expectation?  Can you receive without expectation?  

ANGER

I talk a lot about peace because peace is love; and peace actually is joyful.  Sometimes, though, all I want to do is be angry and emphatically say, “Fuck you!”  It feels good in the moment.  But after about five minutes, it does not feel so good.  I am still angry.  Anger is not a crazy monster in itself that appears when someone antagonizes me.  I am anger.  Anger is part of my wholeness—not a piece of me or something that is hidden in a compartment, but an integral part of the energy that makes up this human.  We are not little pieces of this and that glued together to create a complete picture.  A person is a whole energy with many aspects.

I used to think anger was bad, and being angry was unacceptable.  Anger is natural.  Taking action with anger is what is bad.   Experiencing my anger and taking care of the anger actually brings lasting peace. The more I deny anger, the more I dwell and suffer in the spiraling and destructive tornado of anger.  It is not just anger that I have to take care of, rather it is every aspect of my energy.  Anger, because of the unpleasantness, is quite difficult to accept and needs extra care. 

There is a fantastic book by Gail Silver called, Anh’s Anger.  It is a children’s book, but has a simplified message most adults can benefit from understanding.  In the story, a boy becomes very angry and is sent to his room, where he meets his anger.  The visualization of his anger; represented as an almost-endearing, crazy-looking, hairy, red creature; helps make the concept less abstract.  The boy takes care of his anger by experiencing it: he welcomes his anger, plays with his anger, and finally sits and breathes with his anger.  As the boy tires and focuses on his breathing, his anger becomes smaller and smaller, and finally fades away. 

“Don’t worry, Anh, I’m not a stranger.  I’m the part of you that comes out when things don’t go your way.  I’m right here every time you get angry.  I know you feel scared when I’m around.  I can make you cry and want to hit things.  I can even make you say mean things to people you love…  But I’m also your friend.  Whenever you feel angry, you should come sit with me.  After we spend some time together, you might feel better.”

  

It is easy to become angry when things do not go our way.  Instead of accepting life as it is, we want to control life and we become angry when things do not go our way.  It is OK to feel angry, but what we do next is critical.  In her book, Nothing Special, Joko Beck explains, “…our practice is to become the anger itself, to experience it fully, without separation or rejection.  When we work this way, our lives settle down.”  Everyday I get to practice accepting my anger.  I do not always do a good job, but life is positively better when I am my anger.

FEAR

A very wise friend of mine recently advised me, “Let your fear shake you.”   It is not so easy to actually practice.  I had been trying to understand how to let my fear shake me since my conversation with her.  It was not working very well for me.  I decided I needed a less abstract and more practical application.  I am an open water swimmer.  Today was my first swim in the ocean after a big swell.  Although the swell had mostly faded, there were still some good sets coming in.  The surf was stirring-up the sand, which caused the visibility in the water to be poor.  In addition, two people had separately brought-up local shark stories this weekend.  To top it off, as I sat down to breakfast this morning, right in front of me was the kids’ new book with a picture of a Great White with its sharp, triangular teeth exposed and ready to devour.  I dismissed the shark theme until as I was about to get in the water this morning, a friend spotted a seal frolicking in the water.  He commented he liked swimming with seals because they are so playful, but all I could think about was that seals were favored items on the shark menu. 

Of course, I got in the water and went on my swim.  I spent the first few minutes focusing on getting out and acclimating to the cold water.  Next, I got set on my course and thought about my stroke.  I settled into the rhythm of the ocean.  I practiced my sighting as I passed the surfers.  Then, when I was out there alone and I could not see beyond my hand, it hit: fear.  Fear of what I cannot see.  Fear of sharks.  Typically when I get scared in the water in Hawaii, I remind myself the proven-awesome Lifeguards are my friends, they know I am out there and are keeping an extra watchful eye on me.  In California, however, I no longer typically swim where or when there are Lifeguards.   However, I regularly paddle where I swim and I know there is nothing dangerous in the area, so I remind myself to trust in this knowledge.  It is rationalizing the fear away.  It works most of the time.  Today, though, I was emotionally raw and I wanted something tangible to apply the, “Let the fear shake you” theory.  So I did not rationalize the fear away.  Instead, I let myself get scared. I let myself flash through the requisite thought of being an irresponsible mother by not being more cautious with my life.  I felt my heart race and my lungs tighten, as I gasped for more air with each breath.  I felt my stomach knot-up as I suddenly found myself wrapped in the kelp.  I calmly unraveled from the kelp, but I felt a little nauseous.   I kept going and even though I was still swimming “blind,” the fear magically disappeared.  Suddenly, I felt relaxed and strong.  With my breathing back to normal, I smoothly picked-up my pace with power and courage. 

Immediately after my swim, I had to face what previously had me feeling emotionally raw.  What unfolded was scary, and it was something I had never experienced before.  After learning how to overcome my fear on my swim, I allowed myself to truly feel afraid, disappointed, frustrated, angry and sad.  I embraced the intense rush of feelings as they exposed themselves one by one.  I accepted the reality of what happened, and I let the fear and the pain shake me.  I spent the rest of the day being completely present in my activities.  What I did not realize until later, was that I was able to be present because I had genuinely accepted my horrible experience and it was no longer horrible.  There was no pain to dwell on, and there was no fear to feed.  I only understood this at the end of the day, when I stopped to actually think about how I had such a lovely day despite what had occurred earlier.  Only by accepting my hurt, was I able to overcome the pain, and appreciate the understanding of a new experience and my confidence that I am more than my fear.

What are you afraid of?  Are you afraid of loneliness?  Are you afraid you will never find your ideal partner? Are you afraid of trying something new?  Are you afraid of change?  Are you afraid of failure?  Are you afraid of leaving?  Are you afraid of staying?  Are you afraid of the unknown world outside your fence?  Whatever your fear is, feel it, let it shake you, and see that you are more than your fear!

PEACE LIST

About a decade ago, I was trying to find peace.  I had recently had a miscarriage and realized if I was going to start a family, I needed a break from the intensity of my fast-paced life.   It was easy to slow down the work schedule and the globe-trotting; however, my passion for justice and fairness in everything from interpersonal to global kept me fired-up.  I compiled a list of ideas to bring calm and comfort: a peace list.   The ideas have been taken from stories, music, people and experiences.   I picked up an old, but special book last night, and my Peace List fell out.  I smiled as I read the simplicity of the words.  Peace truly is quite simple.  The 10 ideas (not in any particular order):

1. How you were raised is an explanation not an excuse.
2. Try to look at it from the other person’s perspective.
3. Don’t take things personally.  People act because of their own wounds—empathize with them.
4. Validate others when they do good things.
5. Relax and breathe.
6. Material things can be replaced.
7. It’s OK to not have control.  The only things you can control are your actions and reactions.
8. If someone does not listen, try explaining in a different way instead of getting angry.
9. Laugh.
10. Love.

I used to read this list everyday.  It did help me calm my mind and my soul.  Today, though, I find something glaringly missing from the Peace List.  In the words of Yoko Beck, in her book Everyday Zen, “Trust in things being as they are.”  Peace!