KIDS

For many months after knowing my marriage was over, I thought I had to suck-up my misery, convince my husband to suck-up his misery, and make our traditional family work because I did not want to hurt my kids.  In Robert Emery’s book, The Truth About Children and Divorce, I read three sentences on page 64 over and over again: 

“Divorce is painful.  Despite your fervent desire to protect your children, you cannot prevent them from feeling the pain of divorce.  No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter what you may want, no matter what you are willing to do, this is going to hurt your children.”

As I started to accept the kids were going to hurt regardless of my attempts to protect them, I began to find my way through divorce.  Quickly, I changed my focus from trying to control everything to controlling myself—the only thing I truly could have control over.  It was surely difficult, but I had to get a handle on all my emotions: anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, pain, loneliness, fear; and I had to get a grip on my behavior: my words, actions and physiological reactions.  A toddler in your arms can feel your anger as your body becomes tense and your heart starts to race. 

With a Master’s degree to verify I was an expert in conflict management, I thought I could find my way on my own.  In a moment of clarity, though, I admitted to myself I was in over my head.  The end of a marriage in a white picket fenced world is more than conflict, it is a colossal failure.  I needed help to find peace in the chaos I was going through.  After interviewing many therapists and psychologists, I found Dr. B.  I was looking for a talented professional who could help me and work with my kids, if necessary.  I knew Dr. B was my guy when I had asked him about his work with young children.  He had replied the goal was to keep the kids out of therapy by working with me and through me on anything related to the kids.  The last resort, he said, was to bring the kids into therapy.  If I was stable and fully functional, my kids would be just fine.  Dr. B also assured me kids have an amazing ability to cope and adapt. 

I might not have been able to give my kids a traditional family; but in a parenting partnership with my ex-husband, have given them endless love and allowed them the carefree joy of childhood they deserve.  The kids are allowed the freedom to openly love both their parents.  We have even taken fun vacations together as a family.  The result of two happy parents who found the courage to break free of the white picket fence is two genuinely happy, sweet and secure kids.