PERFECTLY UGLY

Within the confines of the white picket fenced world, if it is not pretty, it must surely be ugly.  When people refer to my ex-husband as “your husband,” I smile and let them know he is my ex-husband.  Sometimes I encounter people who are delighted to see a friendly relationship between divorced parents.  These open-minded people are genuinely pleased to see happy children thriving with both parents peacefully in their presence.  Often, though, I get a very different reaction—a reaction of suspicion and displeasure.

When the perfect life falls apart, a lot of people want life to be perfectly ugly.  The fear of the ugly keeps it pretty.  This is how marriage and divorce should be according to mainstream society.   You should not leave the white picket fence.  If you make the mistake of leaving, you should be miserable.  When life does not follow these expectations, people get uncomfortable.  People have looked at me in complete disbelief and frustration when I have answered; yes, he is the children’s father; yes, we are divorced; yes, we get along; in fact, we are friends; no, we are not getting back together.

The people who cannot accept my cooperative situation actually want blame and drama.  It is easy to expect blame, but difficult to accept blame.  Those old clichés, “it takes two to tango” or “it takes two hands to clap,” have some merit.  Whatever happened or did not happen, a relationship is between two people.  Of course I blame my ex-husband for certain things, but I also accept responsibility for my actions.  I could have chosen to spend my life hating and blaming him.  Rather, I chose to accept my choices and my role in the situation, and focus on living my life.  I chose to continue on with my story, rather than dwell in his.

In tandem with blame comes drama.  He did what?  He said what?  People want to know something terrible happened.  I often get puzzled looks accompanied with the question, “So nothing happened?”  Yeah, nothing happened.  They do not get that.  Where is the drama?  How were you wronged?  Who can I blame?  People thrive on drama.  There must be someone to accuse, someone to sympathize with, someone to talk about and someone to rescue.  What if we change the norm?  What if we create a society that desires amicability and cooperation when a marriage falls apart?  Perhaps divorce will not be so traumatic.  Perhaps families will become stronger because relationships will continue in love rather than hate.  Imagine this kind of world for your children…