WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Often, I sit down with my kids to paint an image we have imagined, or capture an adventure we have had.  Sometimes, we just sit and paint without definition.  We let our energy flow through the brush, freely spreading color in whatever shape or design we are feeling.  The last time we sat down to “just” paint, I found myself painting a heart.  When I was done, I stopped to reflect on the sheet of watercolor paper in front of me.  My son asked me about my painting.  I looked up and told him I had painted the spectrum of love.   Of course, the puzzled look from a six year old prompted me to continue explaining the colorful heart in front of us. 

The colors on the left side of the heart were lively, with sunny yellow, bright orange and pretty pink.  This cheery side of the heart was free, happy love.  Happy love blended into a sure and vibrant red in the center of the heart.  At this red core was the power of love.  The red became more forceful as it blended into the right side of the heart, filled with darker colors.  The right side of the heart had deep shades of strong blue and powerful purple.  This side of the heart was destructive love--when love becomes controlling and confined.  Love, I explained to my son, is so powerful that it is in everything we do, feel and say.  I told him when we allow love to be, we can enjoy the brilliance of love; but when we try to control love, we experience the dark side of love. 

Love has everything to do with it.  Our ability to love is our greatest gift.  Love can hurt, but love will fulfill.  Like life itself, love flourishes with freedom.  Love!

A GOOD DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY

A man greeted a woman in a grocery store, “Hi, how are you.”

The woman replied, “Hi.”  And she politely asked, “How are you?”

The man enthusiastically stated, “Good.  I am good.  I am always good.  Thanks for asking.”  He became more emphatic as he spoke; as if he was reassuring himself he was feeling good.

The woman silently smiled, and continued picking her Cameo apples.

The man was uncomfortable with her silence.  Unsatisfied, he resumed the conversation, “I am good everyday.  You just have to get up in the morning, and decide today is going to be a good day.  I have a good day everyday.”

The woman smiled again as she selected another apple, but still did not say anything.  She quietly and happily selected two more apples.  

The man was now clearly perturbed by the woman’s silence and finally asked, “What about you?  What kind of day are you having?”

The woman stated very simply, “I’m having a fabulous day.”

The man was pleased she had finally said something, but he was surprised by what she said, “Fabulous, huh?”

The woman selected the last apple she wanted and calmly replied, “Yes, fabulous.  That’s the problem with having a good day everyday:  you’re going to miss out on the fabulous days.”

If everyday is a good day, something is wrong.  Experience everything life has to offer; experience the good and the bad.  Some days are shitty.  Some days are good.  Some days are shitty and good.  Some days are great.  By embracing all of our feelings, we get to truly experience life—we gain perspective, and we begin to understand living.  Living is not just feeling good all the time.  Life is not always good.  The more we deny pain, the more we dwell and suffer.  When we accept unpleasant emotions and then let them go, we are able to free ourselves from the unpleasantness.  We also gain confidence in our ability to handle whatever comes our way, we begin to connect with people around us, and life becomes more peaceful.  When we hide in a good-day-everyday behind the white picket fence, we miss out on the fabulous days.  

KIDS

For many months after knowing my marriage was over, I thought I had to suck-up my misery, convince my husband to suck-up his misery, and make our traditional family work because I did not want to hurt my kids.  In Robert Emery’s book, The Truth About Children and Divorce, I read three sentences on page 64 over and over again: 

“Divorce is painful.  Despite your fervent desire to protect your children, you cannot prevent them from feeling the pain of divorce.  No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter what you may want, no matter what you are willing to do, this is going to hurt your children.”

As I started to accept the kids were going to hurt regardless of my attempts to protect them, I began to find my way through divorce.  Quickly, I changed my focus from trying to control everything to controlling myself—the only thing I truly could have control over.  It was surely difficult, but I had to get a handle on all my emotions: anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, pain, loneliness, fear; and I had to get a grip on my behavior: my words, actions and physiological reactions.  A toddler in your arms can feel your anger as your body becomes tense and your heart starts to race. 

With a Master’s degree to verify I was an expert in conflict management, I thought I could find my way on my own.  In a moment of clarity, though, I admitted to myself I was in over my head.  The end of a marriage in a white picket fenced world is more than conflict, it is a colossal failure.  I needed help to find peace in the chaos I was going through.  After interviewing many therapists and psychologists, I found Dr. B.  I was looking for a talented professional who could help me and work with my kids, if necessary.  I knew Dr. B was my guy when I had asked him about his work with young children.  He had replied the goal was to keep the kids out of therapy by working with me and through me on anything related to the kids.  The last resort, he said, was to bring the kids into therapy.  If I was stable and fully functional, my kids would be just fine.  Dr. B also assured me kids have an amazing ability to cope and adapt. 

I might not have been able to give my kids a traditional family; but in a parenting partnership with my ex-husband, have given them endless love and allowed them the carefree joy of childhood they deserve.  The kids are allowed the freedom to openly love both their parents.  We have even taken fun vacations together as a family.  The result of two happy parents who found the courage to break free of the white picket fence is two genuinely happy, sweet and secure kids.