ACROBATS & DANCERS

I sit on my cushiony red velvet seat, ten rows from the center of the Mystere stage, with my eyes fixed on every fascinating movement displayed before me.  The artists performing these feats remind me almost anything is possible with hard work and determination.

In an incredible demonstration of strength and balance, two male acrobats hold each other in mind-boggling positions.  The larger man is always on the ground, holding the smaller man, providing a counter-balance for his partner, or simply providing an interesting platform.  As I watch these two men in their carefully choreographed routine, I realize they have created the perfect visual for what I used to think relationships were all about.  I used to think a relationship meant balancing each other by intertwining into one, just like the acrobats.  How many cheesy love songs go on about, “two hearts beat as one?”  Living within the white picket fence and blaming the irrationality of romantic love, I had believed 1 + 1 = 1.  

Relationships are not a Cirque Du Soleil act.  A much better visual than acrobatics is dancing.  Dancers are responsible for their own balance in their own space.  When dancing together, a dancer allows her partner into her space.  She connects with him, but she does not hold him up.  They dance together as two distinct people—they dance with each other.   A healthy relationship does not require assimilation.  1 + 1 = 2.

WIN OR LOSE?

A friend recently commented to me, “You win some. You lose some.”  Some people view everything in life as a game, even interpersonal relationships.  The prevalence of game-approach in mainstream society is regrettable.   I used to think game theory was limited to brief academic discussion during studies of politics and conflict.  Practically, I thought game strategies were used while learning an actual game, like chess or poker. 

While many of us consider most reality shows comical, the digital age has made it clear too many people have actually mistaken the ridiculous win-lose games played by the “stars” of these shows as behavior to be emulated.   (Rather than the partying wannabes on television, I am impressed with the success of the innovating twenty-something year old who recently developed the app the wannabes and their followers cannot live without.)

Even with the popularity of win-lose games, winning has lost its significance.  Sometimes I think people do not know or care what they are winning, they just want to win.  What did the team truly win when they cheated to get the winning goal?  What did the man win when he broke-up with the woman he really liked, just to beat her to the break-up?  What did the meddling and disapproving mother-in-law win when her son got divorced?

In sharp contrast to the theatrics, a great fighter kneeled down and looked my young son in the eye, after my son had lost his jiu-jitsu fight.  He emphatically spoke the words of Master Carlos Gracie,

 “There is no losing in jiu-jitsu: there is winning or learning.”

Those words resonate with me because they are applicable beyond sports.  Life is not a win-lose game.  Relationships are not win-lose games.  We learn about ourselves and others from relationships.  We learn who we are, what we want, what we need, what we can give and how far we can go.  Sometimes we learn what we can do better.  We make mistakes and we grow.   When we learn, we cannot lose.    

THE GAME

There are some reasonable generalizations that are more likely to describe behavior by gender.  After all, women and men are such different beings.  Everyone can hear and listen equally, but women and men often process the information in their own way: what data is retained, how it is analyzed and what conclusion are drawn

Man says, “It’s green.”

Woman hears it is green, and she likely wonders if it was blue or yellow to begin with, which color was there first and why it was changed.

Woman says, “It was blue.  I wanted a change, so I added yellow to make it green.”

Man hears it is green and wonders what the football score is.

How useful are these generalizations?  Is it smart to anticipate how someone will behave, and base your actions on those assumptions?  How about the classic example we have all heard: if you do not show interest, he or she will be more interested in you.  Probably, but do you want to take action or just be a reaction? 

The people who are experts at playing “the game” certainly have a good grasp on typical human and gender-based behaviors.  If you like to play the game, you are probably out there in a predictable pattern with predictable people.  After all, predictability is the point. 

Not relying on expected behaviors, as common as they are, and having an open mind to the uniqueness of an individual is a scary, bumpy path: a path that will often cause us to suffer.  For those of us who do not like to play the game, unpredictability is what excites us.  We will dismiss our guidelines, we will scare people, we will get burned, and we will hurt.   However, we will make our way past the games and we will find real Love.