PERFECTLY UGLY
Within the confines of the white picket fenced world, if it
is not pretty, it must surely be ugly.
When people refer to my ex-husband as “your husband,” I smile and let
them know he is my ex-husband. Sometimes
I encounter people who are delighted to see a friendly relationship between divorced parents. These open-minded people are genuinely
pleased to see happy children thriving with both parents peacefully in their
presence. Often, though, I get a very
different reaction—a reaction of suspicion and displeasure.
When the perfect life falls apart, a lot of people want life
to be perfectly ugly. The fear of the
ugly keeps it pretty. This is how
marriage and divorce should be according
to mainstream society. You should not
leave the white picket fence. If you
make the mistake of leaving, you should be miserable. When life does not follow these expectations,
people get uncomfortable. People have
looked at me in complete disbelief and frustration when I have answered; yes,
he is the children’s father; yes, we are divorced; yes, we get along; in fact,
we are friends; no, we are not getting back together.
The people who cannot accept my cooperative situation actually
want blame and drama. It is easy to
expect blame, but difficult to accept blame. Those old clichés, “it takes two to tango” or
“it takes two hands to clap,” have some merit.
Whatever happened or did not happen, a relationship is between two
people. Of course I blame my ex-husband
for certain things, but I also accept responsibility for my actions. I could have chosen to spend my life hating
and blaming him. Rather, I chose to
accept my choices and my role in the situation, and focus on living my
life. I chose to continue on with my
story, rather than dwell in his.
In tandem with blame comes drama. He did what?
He said what? People want to know
something terrible happened. I often get
puzzled looks accompanied with the question, “So nothing happened?” Yeah, nothing happened. They do not get that. Where is the drama? How were you wronged? Who can I blame? People thrive on drama. There must be someone to accuse, someone to
sympathize with, someone to talk about and someone to rescue. What if we change the norm? What if we create a society that desires
amicability and cooperation when a marriage falls apart? Perhaps divorce will not be so
traumatic. Perhaps families will become
stronger because relationships will continue in love rather than hate. Imagine this kind of world for your children…
